Saturday, 22 October 2011

Like, Ohmigod, it's Gordon Freeman!

As my reader (As I'm reasonably sure that I only have one, unless someone actually finds my rants appealing) may have guessed by the title, I've been playing Half Life. I don't think I've ever heard someone insult the game in any way, actually. In that case, I'm going to have a go.

I'd better mention at this point that I'm currently playing Half Life 2 as it came bundled with the Orange Box, along with Portal, which was a lovely hour's distraction, Team Fortress 2, which has given me yet another thing to scream at like a two year old, and Half Life 2 Episodes 1 and 2, which I've never been too sure about? Okay Valve, what the hell are you playing at? If you are going to milk a cash cow, you slap a 3 and 4 on the end and sell it for fifty quid and then make the community wait years for a number five. Then again, I haven't played a complete game, so my opinion is both uneducated and incomplete. Ah, screw it, I'm gonna make opinions anyway!

From what I could garner as I woke up on a train after having had a nightmare about a square-headed man with some form of skin ailment, my name was Gordon Freeman, my mouth had apparently been glued shit and I was important for some as-yet unexplained reason. I say 'as yet' because I got tired of spending a good hour driving a hovercraft...thing and I haven't reached my supposed friends. To be honest, I'm still not entirely sure why I'm fighting. I understand the entire 'we're evil aliens' thing, but on the whole they just seem to be very Nazi-like, with the occasional human being consumption on the side rather than the extermination motif the Covenant have going on.

I'm guessing that the only reason Gordon is going along with all of this is either out of pure shock and horror due to all the crazy shit that has gone on, or that he has actually lost his mind, blindly agreeing to what others say, not saying a single recognisable word, becoming a cold-blooded killer of hundreds. On that note, isn't he a Nuclear Physicist? A crowbar I can understand, but how does one learn to fully operate guns from the moment you see them. I could be missing out something here, but perhaps I'm looking into this too deeply, probably due to the fact that at the time of writing it's almost 4am. He can absorb spare ammo by standing on it as well.

Please ignore the previous comment labelling it as 4am. It is now 2.40pm, several days after. That's what I quite like about this. You can say "fuck it!" and leave at any time, only to go back when you please. That's all for now.

Deds to TBE Ninja Tiger, for making me realise that the best way to beat an asshole is to ignore him.

My Quote of the Day:

"It's magic, I ain't gotta explain shit!"
-Twilight Sparkle

Sunday, 9 October 2011

My return was foretold by the passing of a comet!

Back. I know that I haven't posted in a while, and that much time has passed since then. I've made several attempts now to make a post, getting bored and giving up halfway through. Third time lucky, I suppose.

Back to video games, my subject of choice. Today, as I wandered through the battlefields of Halo: Reach, praying that be virtual corpse would not be dessicated by the ankles of prepubescent players, it occurred to me that there may be no point in getting some of the 'big releases ' this year. Let's take a tally of the children in the playground, shall we?


-Modern Warfare 3. The loud, hyperactive annoying bastard that you'll end up befriending against your will because he has an infinite supply of gum. In other words, it's like if Hollywood decided to make a game. I actually enjoyed the story of Call of Duty 4, but MW2 decided it would follow the example of most other non-WW2 FPS games with the whole 'OMG RUSSIA INVADES AMERICA!!!!ONE!!! KILL TEH DIRTY REDS!'.

Tom Clancy's Cold War wank fantasies aside, while the story might not be terrible, I have a feeling that the online will be the same as the previous one, forcing me to spew my colourful repertoire of murderous metaphors over the mic before rage quitting and going off to build a giant dick in Halo, or something. I will be getting this in the end, partially because of the story, and partially because we are continuing our Machinima series on there. Screw other voice actors, we should just go with the original plan and have me voice everyone!. Ahem.


Gears of War 3-The loud Jock, steroid abusing 'manly' type. I've never been 100% sure where I stand with Gears. I borrowed the first one off a friend, and had a fun weekend playing through it in co-op. The second one was also fun. Good story, reasonably likeable, if sometimes annoying (DOM, GET OVER IT) characters. The online, like Call of Duty's, would also send me into slavering rants, usually about inserting various rusty serrated sharp disease-inflicted items into other players and their nans.

I know that Gears 3 has come out already, I know, but I neglected to get it as it wasn't on my 'buy right away' list. That would be okay though, right? Plenty of my masterful-stabbing instrument friends were going to wait a bit. Nope. Curse you bastards, with your jobs and your disposable income.... Anyway, getting back on track, I played the Beta for this game, twice, on my brother's xbox. It seemed enjoyable, but I have a feeling that the bloody shotguns would send me into the aforementioned frenzy. I have so far avoided spoilers, and must do so until Christmas. Challenge accepted.


-Battlefield 3-The kid who hides behind a fa├žade of superiority, yet is as flawed as any. My view has been shaken, folks. I was reasonably optimistic about this game. Maybe this would be the one FPS other than Halo that I could enjoy, I mean, there were Jets and Tanks and Robots! Maybe all of this cool stuff would keep my angers away from the campaign, which I suspect will be filled with 'Evil Commie Russian Basterds herkderk shoot 'em all god bless america's' that have plagued Call of Duty.

Then came the Beta. I downloaded it straight away of course, whistling a cheery tune while I  waited the customary 7 hours it usually takes my accursed machine. Oh lawd, oh lawd, what was this pile of poop before me? There was a single map, like the Bad Company 2 Beta. but with the outstanding fact that it was very annoying. I played on and off (when the bloody thing would connect me to a game) and after getting my brain blown off while playing as the evil invaders, I found that some guns were only available to certain factions. What bullshittery was this? when I finally changed to the Russian team, I found that using an unscoped sniper rifle netted my quite a few kills. Upon joining my friend's party, I found mister ShivLord and DaggerTearer raging about how my dream gun was noobish and overpowered when used against them while they were playing as the attacking American team. I kept quiet and kept dying. All things considered, Battlefield 3 probably won't be a bad game, I'll just probably be unimpressed, much to the annoyance of my 'Let's order the Limited Edition Exclusive Prestige Pre-Order Bonus Ultra Edition, Plus One' friends. I'm ordering the regular copy, thank you very much. What do  you people think I am, not poor?!


Halo: Combat Evolved Anniversary- Ah, Halo, oh game of games, oh epitome of perfection, what wonder dost thou have to offer us this year? Because let's face it, ODST was too short and Reach is beginning to smell a bit off. I am, as I may have implicitly hinted, a big Halo fan, possessing all the games, books, action figures, and various other items. By this point, any reader who isn't McGee, who fell into some dark crevice of the internet while looking at lolcats and found themselves here, would probably be thinking. "Well, lookee here, we've got us one 'o them fanboys!". Deliverance assrape references aside, I don't like the term 'fanboy'. It makes me sound like someone who writes to Bungie everyday, and makes loud 'squee' noises every time I hear the voice of Steve Downes from under his window as I prepare the chloroform and rope. On a completely unrelated note, I recently finished my story, Halo: Last of the Brave. Halo: Last of the Brave details the adventures of a team of SPARTAN-IV's, several decades after Halo 3. Halo: Last of the Brave is brand new, and is yet to receive reviews of any kind. I put a lot of work into Halo: Last of the Brave, you know. (HINT MOTHERFUCKNG HINT).

My creepy fanfic aside, Halo would be the guy who disappears from school in Year 7, only to return mid-way through year 10 with an eyepatch and a bandana (What, you never had someone like that?). After 10 years, 343 industries, made up mainly of ex-bungie employees, have decided to reskin this cash cow and unleash it on Halo's fanbase, most of whom were probably not even conceived by the time the original was released. The graphical updates look impressive to say the least, and I'm looking forward to seeing the big square head of Captain Keyes. They have also added in some terminal things that tell the story of the ring, so they could not be accused of just shoving the same stuff down our throats. I'm honestly looking forward to this game, despite it being a remake. Halo: Last of the Brave, available to read online for free today!

The Elder Scrolls V:Skyrim-The cool, confident guy who doesn't get in your face about it, and is generally loved (Just like yours truly). Oh Elder Scrolls you addicting bastard!. On a completely unrelated note, did you know that Bethsheda entered a legal battle with Notch, the Minecraft creator, over the title of his next game, Scrolls. In response, Notch challenged them to a game of Quake 4 to decide whether or not he kept the name or not. Huh. Anywaaay, Skyrim. Oblivion has to be my second favourite game of all time, just after Fallout 3 in terms of how much I played it. I can honestly say that aside from a few things, like getting trapped in a corner or my came occasionally freezing, I could find no fault with the game. The only reason I don't play it very much any more is because I've done everything. Explored every cavern, town, village (Hackdirt FTW!) and ruin. Now, Skyrim, the big one, must surpass it, or at least equal it somehow.

I know this may sound mad, and it's probably because it is. Skyrim, from what I've seen, is amazing, and I can't  wait to get my talons on it, locking myself in my lair and playing it to death. When I come out, It'll either be in a body bag, or as a man. Or, y'know, for dinner, or to brush me teeth or use the toilet or to get dressed for college and so on. I really don't have too much to say about it, only that I am looking forward to this game more than any other this year.


Well, that's it. No, I'm not saying anything about the new Assassins Creed game, because I'm not even remotely interested in it. In reading this you may have learned something, be it that I'm a bastard, or that I am the true messiah and that you will follow none but me, following my holy footsteps as I tread the path of the divine. Ahem. Well, this blog is for me to rant and rave over video games, and that I shall do. If you don't like it, then I'm not too sure why you are still reading.

I shall dedicate each post to a friend from teh ecksbawks.
-CrazyEyes McGee, for convincing me to start up this Blog-O-Matic.

My Quote of the Day:

"Yes, swooping is bad"
-Alistair, Dragon Age Origins